Am writing a sequel to the Lord of the Rings.
Apparently, the ring was BCP-compliant, and Sauron had hid the backup ring under the tree at Minas Tirith and that's the real reason why he attacks Gondor, not to believe in some silly old man's tale of conquering middle earth. He wanted to get his lady, the spider :| , the ring. That's what the story is about - it's a passionate love story about a man who has lost his corporal existence(read, his dick), and a frigging huge spider.

Meanwhile, Sauron had quite sadly forgotten his BCP-certification and promptly dies after Frodo drops gollum into the volcano, after somehow being unaffected by its noxious fumes. The last I saw, hobbit women had breasts, suggestting they are mammals, and mammals breathe.

Anyway, Arragon finds this out and gets hold of the ring and goes back to sleeping with the elvish woman with background lighting. Little does he know the Gandalf covets her too, and they start fighting. Meanwhile Legolas and Gimley turn gay. The plot also involves special effects in New Zealand and grunting orcs.