Monday, February 28, 2005

Wednesday evening

Continuation of Wednesday morning

That Wednesday evening, seated in the office bus, on the long rickety way back home, next to a featureless bespectacled person reading a book on people management, I decided to shed all pretense.

I don't know what caused it - the early morning dream? Probably, but that wasn't a sufficient trigger. The hollow that it created was filled in a few minutes, greedily, I must say, by thoughts...bulky, ungainly thoughts.. rapid, intangible thoughts that flow in, like a tropical river in flood.. you know it is murky, and that it has something... but it rushes past you when you try to touch it... fluid thoughts, taking shape one moment and destroying itself in the next. And in a minute, the flood subsides, revealing familiar structures- the jaipuri quilt extending downwards from my chin, enveloping the freshly disabused God, the neglected bike keys inside the helmet, the heap of unwashed clothes.. No, it wasn't the dream.

What was it then? I remember my post-lunch deliberations. Two in the afternoon is a bad time. Bad time to work, bad time to think, and worse, bad time to take a coffee, for, disturbing the delicate siestan equilibrium with caffeine is bound to dip the pH values to near absolute zero. And a mind devoid of caffeine thinks strange thoughts. This time, it was on language, rather, on its strange quality of being technically inexpressive in its most expressive state. Take for example hunger. When I say 'I am hungry', I know what exactly I mean, and also why and how I am hungry, and what I am most likely to do next. After a reasonable period without food, I start getting mild pangs of pain in the stomach, that progressively worsens with time, until I decide to appease the hunger gods with calories. One single word 'hungry' packs in all this in six letters-the knowledge, the feeling and the consequence.

Now, I know that I am in love. But that is as much as the word expresses. It doesn't go beyond the knowledge to explain what and why I feel, and what I am likely to do next. I ended up getting confused if the problem was with the language, or with me.

Thinking back, I don't think this could have been the reason for the decision. Confusion is as much a part of my life as dinosaurs are. By the way, did you know that confusion means 'to pour together'?

Having firmly eliminated two strong candidates, I decide to ignore the cause and focus on its impact. The first thing that hit me was the realisation that I couldn't possibly shed all pretense. I can't possibly go to a cosy restaurant, order for food, and not say 'Thanks' when I am served, and instead go on to say 'Why should I thank you? Thats what you are paid for, goddammit!!'.

So, I decide to limit my pretense shedding till the time I am in the bus. Guess what, its already two in the afternoon.. Its that time of the day. My train of thoughts stop at the station and I go out for a quick snack!

1 comment:

Nilu said...

This is called AYM GRAMD 101.

All I can say is - its a local call these days ain't it?