Sunday, July 10, 2005

This and that...

Much as I hate Nilu's Been there, done it rant, by no means do I disgree. It should be fascinating to see someone go through similar thought processes as you did in the past.

I am tired of life, the slow dawdling montonous struggle against nothing, and more importantly, for nothing. Have given up the will to survive, there is nothing, absolutely nothing to prevent me from pulling a trigger and blowing my goddamned brains out. Nothing, except my unsurmountable inertia.

Don't mistake me, for I am not depressed. I don't despise the world. (Actually I do, but it has nothing to do with this). I love my job, have a relationship, flirt with people who I have a crush on( and realised that she too has a crush on me), watch awesome movies, occasionally get drunk - sometimes on vodka, and mostly on my own remarkable thought processes, jerk off often, take pride in being a narcissist, slaughter chicken, have a nice time with all my friends. In short, I lead a perfect existence and have no reason at all to be tired of life.

But the fact is, I am. I am tired of losing all I ever hoped to be. It is difficult to wake up every morning to see that you are fighting a losing battle against inertia. It is difficult to digest the fact that though I can quit my job whenever I want for no reason but to prove myself a point, but I won't. I can't, and it kills me, especially given the fact that this inertia is not systemic.

I am tired of realisng everyday that I won't be the knowledge-accumulator that I always wanted to be. I won't crawl on the mountains of Montana, collecting oviraptor boans, never live thriftily on my meagre income that I get for cleaning particle accelerators, never ..

All my life, I have believed that the singular purpose of life is to increase one's knowledge, and nothing more. Now that I have discoved that I am not going to do that, I might as well blow my brains out. Gun, anyone?

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